How Did We Got This Far?
by MagsDpg
Summary: When Sam finally turns to a dead end Dean's sure that he'd failed, and now he has to do what Jhon told him to before dying, almost five years ago. It's hard to accept, even harder to see his own life worth now. Dean's POV post "Lucifer Rising".


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Disclaimer**__**: I do not own any of the Supernatural Characters. All the characters are exclusive creations of CW channel. The original story is an exclusive creation of M. J. Márquez. © 2009, M. J. Márquez / Doppelgänger Studios.**_

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**SUPERNATURAL**

_**How Did We Got This Far?**_

_I'm still not sure why I'm standing here. I feel my whole body cold, even if I'm standing in the middle of a deserted city, all messed up by Lucifer. Ashes pour down the sky like rain, painting the ground with its blackness, almost red sun burning above me, no clouds, no blue at all, pale yellow it's the dominant color of the sky these days. You can't see life, no green in miles around, only destruction, death, despair, lost souls wandering, pleading for forgiveness, for salvation, hunting the dreams of those who had luck enough and continue breathing this far. Is a worthless place, a wasteland. My eyes witness all this chaos, Angels coming down the Heaven to fight, Demons rising from Hell to fight them back, so powerful, and human race stands between, waiting for something to happen, waiting to die, or to be saved and continue living. I'm not like them. As I said, I'm cold, I feel worthless, useless at this point, I don't give a damn about what happens to this fucking world anymore. I still have this feeling in my heart, something that makes me want to cry every single time I think about it. _

_As I think about it, I barely feel my knees give up. Demons pass aside me, to fight the warriors of the Lord; the one who's been burning the Earth in order to win this war. The Armageddon has finally begun. Both the Whore of Babylon and… the Antichrist are dead by now, but still, we're loosing, not the Angels, but we, human race, and more specifically, me. I've lost everything I got, and I'm alone now in this fight._

_A burden was placed on my shoulders. A fate I never asked for._

_I feel a warm touch in one of my shoulders, it's a strong grip, a man, he's yelling me something, I can't barely be sure of what he's telling me, I'm sure he's calling my name, and that's when it hits me, like a shot in the head, his voice, the voice I haven't heard in two days, the face I haven't seen in the same time, and thus, my whole body give up. I fell over my hands to sustain myself, and I feel his embrace, he's holding me strong, calling my name, saying that he won't let go, that he won't leave me alone. And I trust every word he says, even if I can't reply._

_With that thought I shut my eyes, and tears came out of them. My actual path has loneliness up ahead, and emptiness lying right behind me, I have nowhere to go._

_When I open my eyes again it's because I don't feel the hotness of the sun anymore, his embrace is gone, everything's dark, so dark that I feel like I'm drowning, my eyes wide open, I'm inside somewhere, somewhere I can't recognize, somewhere that must be safe for me, even if at this point I don't feel safe at all. Once I get used to the lack of light, then I know where I am, I can tell what this place is. It's a panic room, not Bobby's, someone else's. Metal covering the entire place; walls, ceiling, floor, maybe iron, and it's cold, probably buried several meters below the surface, where the sun burns the Earth to death._

_I slowly rise on my feet, start walking around. I can still feel this thing aching in my chest, this void growing bigger every single second that passes, my heart beating painfully unsteadily, my whole body trembling, and then he's the only thing I can think about; the way he smiled at me, at everyone, his innocent eyes, so full of joy and hope at times._

_I can't hold it, my arms are closed around my chest, my hands holding my shoulders, trying to make the emptiness go smaller, but my efforts are useless, and I don't care a damn anymore. The whole world can fuck up, I'm done with it, I don't care anymore, nothing can make me want to live again. I can't help but keep crying, I feel despaired and I can't really tell why, not sure why._

_No. I'm completely wrong, I do know why, it's just that I can't, I don't want to admit why._

_It's the loss. Not the loss of all the souls that have fell in Demons hands after Lucifer rising, but the loss of the soul of the only person I cared about, the one that fell by my own hands…_

"_How did we got this far?"_

**Two weeks earlier**

"Dean, please. I said I'm sorry…"

"That's not enough Sam" he turned around to face him "you have any idea of what you did?" Sam rolled his eyes and stared through the window "and you still have the balls to act this way!" Dean was pissed.

"What you want me to say Dean? Ruby fooled me!" Sam claimed turning around to see Dean and then turning again to the window when Dean replied.

"And I warned you all this time! And what did you do? You just thought 'Nah, Dean can't be right. I slept with Ruby and she won't betray me', is that close?"

"Dean, shut up" Sam said looking back at him "You have no idea of how I'm feeling right now."

"I don't?" he asks, shrugs "Let me guess, you feel like a momma's girl who just broke up with her boyfriend right? Don't come to me with that shit Sam! Ruby didn't force you to do a damn thing!"

"She forced me to kill Lilith."

"No, you forced yourself to kill Lilith!"

"Because of you!" Sam shouted louder than Dean, Dean shut up and just stared at him for a second "I did it because what she did TO YOU Dean, because you're my brother!" Dean was feeling ashamed suddenly, he let his feelings drive him, and he was letting the burden release on Sam "You are my only family and I had to…" he stopped just to force some tears back "And, if I knew that Lilith was the final seal" he stopped again, a single tear came out "I swear Dean, that I wouldn't done it."

Dean was staring at the road again, speechless. All the anger he was feeling suddenly turned into compassion for Sam. He really sorry what he did, he didn't know what he was releasing by killing Lilith.

"If I could" Dean turned around to see Sam when he spoke again "I would turn back time, but I can't. Ruby fooled me, but still… I" he opened his mouth and shook his head, and then shut up, turning again to see through the window.

"I'm sorry. Sam. Sammy? I'm sorry dude" Dean tried to make Sam look at him; he couldn't, so he turned around to see the road "I'm worried about you, and that's why I'm so upset."

"You have good reasons to hate me Dean" a rough tone of sadness in his voice "and I don't blame you" Sam let go a loud sigh, Dean turned around and could see that he was crying "I seriously don't blame you, because, all this? All this happened because of me. I don't have anyone's forgiveness. I don't deserve it…"

"Sam."

"I'm a fucking Demon. How the hell did I turn into this?" grimace on Sam's face, tears glimmering his cheeks.

"Sam."

"I knew there was something wrong, but still I continued. I'm worthless. A deposable piece of human shit."

"Sam, shut the fuck up!" Dean shouted at him hitting the wheel with his hand, he was more furious now "How dare you talking that way!?"

"Maybe you should kill me Dean" Sam said looking through the window, Dean quickly looked at him, then again to the road and Sam almost crashed his head against the windshield when Dean stepped on the brakes, the tires squeal by the sudden stop. Dean turned the ignition off and Sam worried a little "Dean what…?"

"Get the hell out of the car" he demanded as he did the same through his own door, slamming it closed.

"Dean."

"NOW!"

Sam walked out the car, Dean walked around to be on Sam's side. Sam didn't give a step back; Dean approached to him and then threw him a punch, hit straight to the nose. Dean was breathing heavy and shallow, hands shaking in fury. Sam landed on the ground all over his back, covering his face with both hands. Blood pouring out his nose.

"How the fuck dare you asking me to kill you, you stupid bastard! YOU KNOW I WON'T DO THAT!"

"You have to, Dean. Get rid of all that anger" Sam said, one hand holding his nose as he slowly sit on the ground "you gotta let all that pain out, or else, it'll kill you."

"Why are you talking like that? You almost sound like one of those sons of a bitch!"

"I am a Demon now Dean…"

"No you're not! You're my brother! And you're as human as me!"

"I'm not anymore" and Dean almost could swear that Sam's eyes became fully black as night when he looked up, quickly returning to normal.

"You're not?" Dean kneeled in front of him, grabbed his jacket lapels and shook him "You are not!? Then who are you!?" Sam looked away "See? You're still as human as I am, as you always been, Sam. Don't dare saying that again" Dean let go of the wrap and lifted, walked to the car. Sam stood there for a while. Dean got inside the car and waited for him "You're coming or what?" Sam didn't reply "Sam!?"

"No" he finally said "I'm not going with you Dean. I won't. It's over."

"What?" Dean walked out the car again.

"You heard me. I won't go with you Dean. It's obvious that you don't stand me anymore. All the love you felt for me turned into hate. I can stand that, as long as I'm far from you."

"Oh, no. You're nuts if you think I'll let you walk away on your own" he said chuckling and moving his head from side to side, denying Sam's words.

"See? That's what I'm talking about. You don't even trust me" and he finally got on his feet "you know your brother's a freak, and you're scared he could hurt someone" Dean rushed again to where he was, hold his lapels; their eyes met "What? You're gonna tell me I'm wrong?"

"You're wrong" Dean affirmed.

"Really? Then why you won't let me go? Uh?"

"Because" Dean stopped, he looked to another side, avoiding Sam's eyes "Because if I let you go, then I'd had failed you. I'll let the angels come and kill you. And I won't let that happen. I rather prefer…"

"What?" Sam interrupted.

"I rather prefer die myself than watching you die again. Even knowing that could happen, crush my heart" he said staring right into Sam's eyes with tear glowing green eyes.

"Dean, I'm not the Sam you knew anymore. I'm different now" tone of sadness and honesty in his voice.

"So what? People change. That's what life is about. Come on, I'm tired. Let's go" he said releasing a bit the hold "come on" he finally let go of Sam and walked inside the car again, Sam walked inside this time.

The rest of the road was quiet; the silence bouncing over their bodies all the way, air so thick with awkwardness that you could almost cut through it with a knife. They barely managed to get out of the church where Lucifer rose. They both were tired, and really needed some sleep.

**The next day**

Dean was quiet, sleeping in his bed over his stomach. It was about eight in the morning.

Sam was already up; he had a look of his brother when he walked out the bathroom, drying his face with a towel.

He really felt bad, because Dean? Dean was his life. His joy and sadness. He was everything to him. Sam remind every single bitter day he had when Dean was in hell, he felt devastated, pretty much like he was feeling now.

He felt betrayed, Ruby betrayed him in the worst way a person could be betrayed. She seduced him, she used him, used his body, his powers, to fulfill her goal with her father. She once claimed she was human once, but Sam knew that she wasn't human, not anymore, but still he shut the warning voice of his mind, he let Ruby trap him, with her beautiful vessel, a comatose girl from who knows where. A beautiful specimen and he let her fool him.

Rage run through all his body, his hands were shaking by it. He was still watching Dean, who was sleeping peacefully, then he felt the air go thick, massive charges of static electricity jolt through his body, and he didn't even had to turn around to know who was there, he could smell him, like he had this smell he can't ignore.

"Sam" said the soft male voice behind him "he only wants to protect you."

"I know" Sam replied without looking back.

"Then why you're trying to leave?"

"I can't stay Castiel" he finally turned around to see him "I won't stay here to hurt him more than I already did. He doesn't deserve that" he said looking again at Dean.

"I won't stop you, Sam" Castiel finally replied, nodded after a moment "but if you go, I won't protect you. You're safe here because Dean wants you to be. If you go, you're on your own."

"I'm not scared."

"An Angel could kill you before you move a finger. There's no real chance of surviving for you alone out there."

"I know."

"I'm not doing this for you Sam. I'm doing it for…"

"Dean, I know. You are attached to him very much lately. He's a nice guy" he said smiling and looking at Dean.

"Sam…"

"No it's fine. You won't change my mind. I'm leaving. And I won't return this time" he look straight into Castiel's eyes, so true and honest, despite what he had become, he was still Sam somewhere deep inside.

"If that's what you want. I'll tell Dean when he wakes up. I won't stop you. You're free to go."

When Dean woke up few hours later, Sam wasn't on his bed. The room was quiet, he looked all around.

"He's gone" Dean practically jump from the bed in surprise.

"Cas!" he said when he turned around "What?"

"Sam's gone…"

**Present day**

_It's been two days; the worst and most difficult days from the rest of my life. I had to do it. When I found out that he had taken the wrong way, he killed three Angels himself in cold blood, killed more than a dozen of people, screwed with half dozen of Demons, that was when I knew for sure, he was gone…_

**One Week ago**

"Dean" Dean didn't replied "Dean. Dean."

"What?" he asked without looking away from the road.

"Dean, you gotta talk to me. I'm here to help you."

"You're not that helpful Castiel" it's been a while since Dean called him by his full name; he probably was very pissed at him.

"I'm sorry" he replied as honest as he's ever done it.

"I don't want your excuses; I don't need them. I'm tired of people excusing at me."

"What do you want?"

"My brother. I want Sam back."

"I can't bring him back" Castiel said, something like sadness in his face "he chose this way and got lost in it. There's nothing I can do."

"Then get out of my car. Leave me alone and don't dare coming back again" he sounded furious, all under that calmed voice, was a fury and rage that Castiel never seen before.

With a blast, electricity and white light Castiel disappear; Dean was alone now, completely alone.

**Two days later**

It was then when he found it. The mess he had being doing. Three people lying next to each other, arms open, all dead, and not any people, they were Angels, their wings were visible, not a marking in the ground, but real feathered wings soaked with the blood of their vessels. He killed them. Sam killed them, he had this bad feeling inside, and didn't want to admit it, but his subconscious knew that he was right, Sam did this.

"Jesus."

The thought gave him shivers; he only covered his mouth at the sight. He couldn't believe that Sam was capable of doing this, but after all he was right. He warned Dean, he wasn't the old Sam Dean knew. He was different, he was a Demon now.

Dean stood there watching for a second, and then his body felt the need to go; Demons would be chasing him by now, because he was the only person alive in the whole town.

**The next day**

Rumors ran as fast as the light. Dean was visited once more for Castiel while he was driving to the next town. He knew where Sam was, he knew that he had been fornicating with half dozen of Demon sluts, and that he had drank the blood of a dozen people, killed few more, maybe just for pleasure.

Castiel disappeared as fast as he showed up, apologizing with Dean one more time.

Dean stopped his thoughts, focused on the words of Castiel. He beat the wheel furiously, his hand aching fast, but he didn't care; he kept beating it with all his strength. He finally pulled over; he leaned his head against the wheel and rested his forehead over it, tears finally pouring out his eyes, his chest aching, heart beating strong and unsteady. He felt messed, worthless, scared most of all, like his worst fear came true after all his efforts. His little brother, he couldn't save him.

Dean knew what to do, he remind John's last words, the words that confused him so much, the ones he told Dean before he died.

Dean was going to face Sam one more time, alone, and he had to put an end to all this. He breathed few more times to calm himself, lifted his head slowly, passing his forearm over his eyes to wipe them, then he continued to the place were Sam was.

_**Two days ago**_

When he finally reached the town where Sam was, all he saw was destruction all around. Demons had taken over; cars still on fire, ashes coming from the sky, no real signs of life around. Air heavy with smoke, something evil. The whole place burn to death, people included. Dean was sure that Apocalypse will be something like this, but this? This was too much to even consider.

He parked the car near a diner that seemed to have people inside. He could smell the strong stench of brimstone, so strong that was almost blinding. All his body overwhelmed by such stink.

As he walked out the car, he felt his body tremble, his heart pounding in his chest so strong, his knees weak and his stomach upside down.

The only thing he carried was Ruby's knife. The weapon of the whore who made all this happen, even if he knew that Sam released Lucifer, he was sure that Ruby had a lot to do on that. She led Sam to this road, and he turned to the dark lane.

He closed the door of the car, breathed deep, and then walked to the place. From outside he could hear loud music playing, screams and other stuff happening there. He felt sick, like he was about to die, but he didn't show, his face was plain, unreadable.

Once he got in the diner, his body convulsed at the sight. Horrible mutilations all over the place. Demons raping women mercilessly, torturing and killing men without consideration, not even to mention what they did with children.

It was horrible, blood all over the place, screams, pleading, asking for help, he couldn't help it, he had the urge to try and save the people he could, but it would be useless, it was him against more than fifty Demons.

When he finally got his brain to process all that gross exhibition, his eyes finally met what he was looking for. He was there, in the middle of the room, like the king of this kingdom of damnation. Like the big Antichrist he was. His little brother, laughing and smiling with all the horrible things that were happening there.

For a moment their eyes met. Sam's weren't as usual, they were completely black. He was a Demon now, and there was no remaining of Sam's old self.

Dean motioned his head, asking him to walk outside. All the stench of blood, sweat, brimstone, death, it was too much for his stomach.

Dean walked out from the place quickly without looking back and wait for Sam to come by, breathing just trying not to throw up, he hold himself the best he could, but he vomited after all, it was too much. He kneeled as the vomit continue coming out his mouth, like a volcano in the middle of an eruption. He could hear Sam coming from behind; he was almost chuckling, maybe because of him, or because of what he was witnessing inside.

Dean finally stopped as he could; he passed his forearm over his mouth and slowly got on his feet again, turn around to face Sam. His eyes where the same he remember, those big brown and gray eyes, so full of innocence that Dean felt sicker.

"So, you came after me? I'm glad you did" Sam finally said nodding.

"You know why I'm here" Dean said more like an affirmation.

"I told you to do it the night we escaped Dean, you didn't listen."

"I didn't want to do this."

"But still, you're here. Do it. Dean. End up with this" Sam opened his arms like an invitation, slight grin on his face "If you don't do it, there will be consequences."

"I…" Dean was trembling, his hand searched for something inside his jacket, he pull out Ruby's knife, holding it in his shaky hand.

"Do it Dean" Sam almost sound demanding "Do it!"

"I don't want to" Dean said, some tears rolling out his eyes.

"You're stronger than this Dean. You can do it! Kill me!" Sam screamed, tears coming out his eyes as well now.

"No" Dean sighed, he walked to where Sam was, he hugged him, squeezing him until Sam hugged him as well. Dean placed his head against Sam's shoulder and said "I love you Sammy."

Sam closed his eyes, tears rolling out of them, he sighed and then said "I love you too." After a moment of silence, he felt the knife stab his back once, his eyes opened wide. It was a weird sensation, it was like his whole body was on fire, every single fiber getting ripped, torn until they gave up and finally disintegrate.

Dean hold him there, he felt Sam tremble between his arms, twisting in quick and sharp pain, struggling and groaning, but it was useless, he felt Sam's embrace go weaker, and his own grow stronger. He pressed his little brother's body strong against his, his eyes ache with every tear that poured out. They both finally fell over their knees, Sam still seizing, his heartbeat stopping each second, his breathing getting shorter, until he stopped moving, and that was all.

_Sam was dead._

Dean squeezing him against himself, crying loud, screaming in pain; his face buried in Sam's shoulder, his hands pressing Sam's head against his own shoulder.

"SAMMY!" he screamed loud, voice shaking, filled with the most horrible pain he's ever felt in his whole life. He squeezed Sam's body as tight as he could, Sam's head pressed against his, his face still buried in Sam's shoulder, he was shaking, his heart was about to explode, all hope lost, he has no one left.

Dean stood with him there for what felt like forever, until he heard the Demons shouting, he looked to the diner, and they were coming for him, coming to help Sam, everything moving in slow, blurry motion. Dean hesitated for a half of a second, then he tried to rise and pull Sam's body with him, but Sam was heavier now, he barely moved him an inch. He felt his rage grow, considering staying there and fight but there was no real chance for him to survive, so he pressed Sam's body against his one more time, he passed his fingers through his hair a couple of times before he moved Sam's head and kissed his forehead for an eternal second. Demons were almost over him when he finally let go, leaving Sam's body lying there, limp over the floor.

He run fast to the car, turn the ignition on and drove, leaving his little brother behind. He could see through the rearview mirror the Demons gathering around Sam's body, female Demons screaming, holding their heads. Dean was still crying while he drive away from there, his hands beating the wheel and screaming so hard with every painful beat of his heart.

It was over, the worst part was done, Sam was dead, and now, someone's got to pay for this.

Dean wouldn't stand quiet, because Sam, Sam was his everything, his life, his reason to breath, to keep going, and now, he was dead, just like his father told him, almost five years ago, he killed his own brother, he couldn't save him, and he got lost, fell into the dark lane and became a Demon…

**Present day**

_I swear for him, that I won't give up until Lucifer's back where he belongs. Sam was everything to me, and now, he's gone. I had to kill him myself, hold him while he died, while he stopped breathing, while his soul was destroyed by the knife. I have nothing left, he was my everything. _

_The only thing I got left is a fate, a fate I never asked for._

'_How did we got this far?' I knew Sam wouldn't answer that question, because I asked it to him when he was already dead._

**THE END**

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**A/N: This story surged suddenly, while I started to read someone else story here, can't remember the name, but it was set before Sex and Violence chapter. I hope this is good enough (and that you don't hate me for what I made Dean do). I wanted to have a story where we could see what would have happen if. So here it is, it's kinda sad and a good way to feed Dean's wrath against the devil.**

**This story is based and majorly inspired by "Sanctionition" fanfiction by rossie anne winchester, I hope she likes it. **

**Please Review, I'd love to hear what you think, and if there's something that you consider that needs to be fix, please tell me as well.**

**Thanks for reading.**


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